Women Need Self Help

So much is talked and discussed about feminism which I have never understood. I only believe in gender equality, and no, feminism and gender equality do not mean the same. People say that in this male dominated world we need feminism to get to the equilibrium. Oh well, an eye for an eye makes the world blind. Men have suppressed women to emerge to be the dominant breed, but we shouldn’t be doing the same.

Let us all take a step back and see why it is taking so long for the increase in the number of women who have a successful and long career. The reason is simple – women themselves! Indira Nooyi very rightly quoted – “I don’t think women help women enough in the workplace”. Just workplace? I believe we don’t help each other enough anywhere.

I remember a train incident when a married woman refused to offer a seat to a 7th-month pregnant woman saying, “Did I ask you to get pregnant?” I was dumbstruck. That day I thought where are we leading to? At office, I can distinctly see how men have collectively learnt all the political gambles of the corporate world. Unfortunately, women are far behind in catching pace with them. Even personally for any “office” discussions, my go-to people are 90% men and 10% women. The last I remember women coming together was when there is some men v/s women argument!

And so, I want to tell all the ladies out there some simple things.

Be confident. My dad wanted me to be a good driver. But having always heard the typical stereotyped comment of women are bad drivers, I just couldn’t build that self-confidence. But thankfully, my dad was a different man. Though I am ashamed of the fact that he had to instill that faith in me, I am proud that after one push, I learnt my own way. Women, usually, are little low on self-confidence and that is the FIRST thing all of us need to build. If we have that, we can win the world over. Tip: Do something on your own. Solo Travel. Long drive. Stay alone. Something, something that proves to your ownself that you can pull it off, on your own!

Fight for it. For once and for all, every girl, lady, and woman should stand up for their own self. Yes, there is going to be opposition right from your family to the whole world, yes your brother will have facilities that you will be denied. But remember, you will never get it if you don’t ask for it! It would be tough, it might take a toll on you. But if you want it, fight for it. Period.

Raise hands. ALWAYS. Growth only happens when we always look for opportunities to expand and explore. Sheryl Sandberg, Facebook CIO, shared a real life incident of how a girl who didn’t even have a boyfriend was worried about her career after kids. Gosh! Stop your over-thinking brain right now. Sheryl said a very beautiful thing, if and when we have to take a break from our job, we should be at such a point of our career that it is exciting enough to motivate us to come back to the workforce! And so it is very important to grab any opportunity that comes our way.

Turn the cards. Women are genetically gifted with emotional understanding and maturity. Employ it! Observe how men have used their natural physical powers in so many directions. Let us realize that we have the strongest of minds! We are capable of bearing the trauma our hormones bring to us every month. We are capable of multitasking and switching roles in seconds; working lady, homemaker, wife, mom, daughter-in-law. Merlin’s beard! We are way more competent, what we really need is to channelize it in the right direction!

It is easier said than done. I understand that the whole cultural set up itself is very different for men and women. But then let us deal with it and emerge successful. Even men can’t do things that we easily can. I never see a man cribbing of the fact that it is easy for a woman to vent out her emotions. They have accepted it and evolved out of it. Let us just do the same!

To everyone else – While women strive to better herself, let us all better the world. And this needs to start at the ground level. If you get a kitchen set for your daughter do the same for your son. And when you get video games and cars for your son, get one for your girl too! Because both should be taught to be sharp, responsible, contributing and independent!

THIS IS HOW I GOT MY DREAM JOB.

“That girl, you know, she is JP Morgan placed. She must have done something really great man. Coder she would be!” I hear juniors murmuring when I pass by. And every day I meet people who have so many adjectives to describe me, which I don’t think are even meant for me! Yesterday, I met a girl who literally called me a celeb! And I went Woah! Hold on. I need to get this straight!

So, what made me get this dream job, a ‘big’ post in the committee I work, ‘mind blowing’ grades and so much of ‘fame’? (Few of the adjectives I have to bear with in those conversations of “Oh! Can you tell us how did you get into JPMC?”)

There is a simple, very simple rule, just do what is right, things automatically fall in place!

Keep the desire to learn. I wasn’t some coder when I chose IT engineering as my career. But in the process of my graduation, I made sure, I knew what I was doing. Ultimately, I was in love with my subject! Don’t be an engineer just for the sake of it. Running behind marks will never fetch you anything in the long run. Knowledge will. Urge yourself to keep studying new things.

Work hard. Put in sincere efforts. Whatever responsibilities you take up, small or big, make sure you are giving your best. Yes there are easy ways out; simple, easy and quick ways. But do you think you will always find one? And what are we going to do with those shortcuts?! Make no memories, face no hurdle, do no struggle and worse- never build the confidence, that yes, I CAN do it!

Expand your network. Make friends. Seniors, juniors or people of your batch. The more you listen to ideas of people of different mind sets, the more it helps you mould your way of thinking. Elders have experience, young ones have ideas, get both of it and make most of it!

Convert failures into your learning experience. A lot many times it has happened that I couldn’t get what I wished for. But I never believed in cribbing about past. The lifetime of any moment is just that moment. We can never change what has happened. Sometimes someone else is going to do bad to you, and at times your own decision will backfire. But then that is life! So just find the best out of every bad experience. Learn. Evolve. Set new goals and start afresh!

Be humble. Don’t let power corrupt you. Humility is the best way to win hearts. You earn respect automatically. Being down to earth, in spite of power is the sign of a great leader. The day you lose your humility, demean others, dominate people, it is the beginning of your downfall.

Be a team player, who can lead. You have to learn to work in a team and take along everyone with you. But try to be a leader from day one; if not someone else, lead your own self. Be someone who is an inspiration for others. Build credibility among your colleagues. Once that is done, you are sure to grow within any organisation.

Have reasons for every decision. Yes we have finally grown up enough to decide for ourselves. Decide whether it is job or post-graduation, grades are important or extra-curricular, you might choose the person you want to be with for the whole of your life and many more. At this crucial stage of our life, it is very important to make sure we take right step ahead and have proper justification for it. Don’t get influenced by your peers and seniors or even juniors. Every person has a story with him which you won’t be aware of, so something that worked for him won’t necessarily work for you. Get away with the kiddish attitude of “Are, chill maar.. ho jaega sab.” Because life would no more be easy, you would need a practical, broad minded and reasoned approach for every walk.

They say, it is best to learn from the experience of others, I hope this helps. Because you don’t have to be a ‘celeb’, a ‘topper’, a ‘coder’ to realize your dream, you only need the right approach towards life!

OTHER SIDE OF THE COIN..

               Life surprises me by its way of teaching. Some realizations come in a tough way. Some realizations make you feel how stupid you thought earlier. And some just simply transform the meaning of life to you. Something similar happened to me in the past year or so. Ups and downs that came, have brought the realization, what striking difference it makes when the other side of the coin is seen..

              Every other person thinks he is right in his way. There is a fight, you think you are right; there is a decision to be taken, the one you took is right; the teacher scolds you, you are right and teacher is mad; dad slaps you, you are right and dad is a psycho; you get a low score in exam and you still are not at mistake, the paper was tough! It’s a common human tendency to ignore his own mistake and even if he recognizes it, he won’t accept it!
                There came a point in life, where tears had dried up, so much that even the headache had a headache of coming every other day! I was bored of food and chocolates! Outings were not on my list. Friends were nothing but just yet another name in my phonebook. Family was a mere group of people with whom I stayed. I lived a life without a life! And how much I needed a psychiatrist only I knew. Or may be a BPL(bum pe laat) might have just worked. Anyway, the point is I thought that everything in life was wrong, every decision and relation, the past, the present, the coming future; everything seemed absolutely ridiculous. And then the stuffed yet empty mind decided to take a break, to see why it isn’t happy when the world is!
             
                 We have become too self-centric. Everyone feels he suffers more than anyone. The problems he has no one else does, the way he handles them no one else can. And then comes a show like Satyamev Jayate, which breaks all your I-am-the-king-of-problems-and-none-is-as-unhappy-as-me notions!
           
                 For every problem we face, the most important thing one need to do is learn to see through it. For every fight that we are involved in, it’s important to listen to both the versions of the story. It’s important to develop tolerance towards friends and foes equally. When people ask you to grow up, be open-minded they don’t really mean wearing short clothes, clubbing, late-night partying; it’s more of broadening your outlook for every situation and develop a sense of understanding. Every individual has his own set of problems. Put yourself in their shoes before you start bugging them. ‘Cause the fact remains that no one knows how it feels unless they go through the same. Others’ problems that relate to us if understood properly, half of our problems never originate!
               
                  Let’s stop looking at the world from where you stand. Comprehend the real image! Reason yourself properly before reacting. Sympathize before you get angry. Hear before you shout. Be aware before you decide. There has to always be a different angle to a situation which we often ignore and then eventually end up messing things. So let’s be patient while dealing with things. Let’s take the pain of getting up and change the direction of vision. Let’s take the pain to flip the coin every time to verify how real the coin is and how much it really values..

HARRY POTTER...

A girl who didn’t even touch a comic book, who read only the bollywood-related news column in papers was one day forced to read a 223 pages book! It was on the eve of 31st December 2006, when I started with Harry Potter And The Philosopher’s Stone and from there, there was no way coming back. It changed my life upside-down. With the first few chapters, the Potter spell had got me under its charm. I was, truly, under the imperio curse that J.K.Rowling had cast.

Its not an over-statement, but whatever I am today, Harry Potter has a huge hand. It taught me some crucial things of life. It told me what friendship actually is. It told me the power of deep love, told me the nature of true trust. Taught me the importance of truth and bravery. Harry Potter isn’t a mere character, not just a series of book its much much more than it. Words actually fall short. Its so difficult to convey what I want to, may be a Potter fan would understand.

‘IT ENDS 7.15’ is a wrong statement, ‘coz it would never end.. it was and will be there in my heart, today, tomorrow and forever. Looking back, I can’t imagine life without it. A friend of mine has rightly said, “If you haven’t read Potter, you have read nothing…”

This is just to say a thanks to JKR for making my life so beautiful, for making me such a better person. I owe you a lot. And thanks to all those friends with whom I have shared those unforgettable Potter-moments.



IF BOOKS ARE SAID TO BE THE BEST COMPANY THEN HARRY POTTER IS MY BEST AND TRUE FRIEND!

AND IF YOU BELIEVE GOD CREATED THE WORLD THEN J. K. ROWLING IS A LIVING-GOD!

A WORD FROM A CHILD...

As soon as a woman is expecting her first baby, both the going-to-be-mother/father start to turn pages of books- “Tips On Parenting”, “First Step To Motherhood/Fatherhood”, etc etc etc…

Undoubtedly, parenting is no easy job! In today’s world… its tougher. And keeping in mind the bhartiya sanskars, it’s one of the toughest.
Its tough, ‘coz every generation is way intellectual than the previous. Every child learns faster than his dad did. In some cases, they understand and handle things better than their parents do. Probably, that’s the reason I took the challenge to share my views on ‘parenting’. Not to mention I can contribute with only those things that I have observed or experienced.

For any disagreement or suggestion, feel free to comment.

1. In the very formative years, its very strenuous for parents to cope with the constant changing nature of the kid. Stubbornness, attention-seeking, possessiveness, etc are the very commonly seen behavior. Its important to handle the child tenderly but also make sure that while doing that you don’t make him a spoiled brat by falling prey to every demand of his/her.

The child tends to imitate what we do. Learns the word we use. If you want a well-behaved infant be a well-behaved parent. You also have to make sure, what company your child grows with.

2. Instill good values as early as possible. If you want your child to be ethical make sure you make him, make sure he grows up in a company where he can exercise those values in the pure form.
Avoid bribing your infant.
“Baby, sing ‘Twinkle Twinkle’ little star and if you do I would give you a chocolate.”
Avoid showing fear to them.
“Baby, sleep soon or else the ghostly spirit would take you away.”
Ofcourse, sometimes doing such things becomes necessary, but we can surely avoid them most of the times. Find different ways to make the child do what you want him to. A parent has to learn to be a good teacher

3. The toughest period is the teen life! Biologically your kid goes through many hormonal changes. These internal changes can be seen externally. Easily going into depressions, irritation, attraction towards the opposite sex, restlessness, emotional turmoil. Its difficult for the teen to adapt to so many changes around and inside him.
Though every parent goes through this phase, some people still fail to understand their teen-kids. Stand as a pillar in this critical period of your child’s life. Don’t let loneliness to even wander around him/her.

4. The most important thing, I believe, is that as a parent, you need to learn to transmit positive energy to your kid. Need to support him for every discovery she/he has made, every new path he/she wants to walk on. Have faith in your kid! A parent has to be practical, but make sure you draw a line between practicality and negativity. Keep positive approach as far as possible, so that you also make your child optimistic. He/She would then accept situations fast, adapt to it faster. It would chiefly help in acquiring ‘not-to-give-up-attitude’, as you would never lose hope, an optimist never does.
And whenever there comes a need to say a ‘no’ to your child make it a point you give an ‘apt’ reason for it. You cant fool kids nowadays. There is a skill of how you take the child into confidence.

5. Instill self-belief in your child. Help build him self-confidence. Every child has a Sachin Tendulkar, an Aamir Khan, a Kiran Bedi, a Chetan Bhagat in himself, what differs is the path we walk on. Once your child starts believing in self, in his instincts, he would attain the courage to take up any task.

6. Conversing is also a very crucial factor. Let there be constant sharing of views, thoughts, opinions. Its only then that parents can understand the mind-set of the child better. Understanding between the two can be developed. Being a friend to your child is important.

7. Restrict your restrictions. Gone are the days when a girl has to be inside house before 7pm, when a girl can't go out with a boy. The more you restrict the more the kid is tempted to break your rules. Trust your kid and allow them to have a life, to see and face the world on their own, to enjoy!

8. Keep expectations from your child. There is nothing wrong in expecting high from him/her. Infact that’s what, many times, gives the child a direction, acts like a driving force.

I’ll give my personal experience. I was a month away from my board exams. To be frank my preparations were as good as nothing! One of my dad’s friend came home. He saw my tensed face and said, “Manali, are you tensed? Its ok, stay calm. Its just an exam.”
To which my dad replied, “Tension?! For what? I know my daughter is intelligent and she would do very well in the exam.”
And that was it! I ran to my room, cried my heart out and vowed to myself not to let a single stone left unturned. I put all my efforts in. Worked really hard to make sure I don’t let my dad’s faith in me go down.

This was just a small incidence. My point doesn’t end at academics, but it extends to social life too. Like, its not at all wrong to expect your son to take care of you in your old-age, and infact from your daughter too! But where most of us go wrong is, we start presuming things, sorry, bad things. Not only do we presume, but we force those presumptions as realties of tomorrow on our kids.
“Budha pe mai toh, tu hamara sahara banega nai. Hamari seva pata nai kon karega?. We would have to make arrangements for an old-age home”
These are the constant talks. And that’s very much wrong! Parents ought to expect from their kid and ought to have the trust that their kid would take care of them.
Definitely keep yourself ready for the worst situation. But keep your fears to yourself. Don’t let that be transmitted to your child. Because then somewhere your child starts sketching the future scenario the way you show him.

Remember, what you talk, the views you put forth, the outlook you have LARGELY moulds your child…

REAL OR FAKE?

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I was in 7^th,I guess, and we friends were discussing on our future plans. That time, my situation was such that every 2 months I would have a new goal for myself-Engineer, doctor, IAS officer, journalist, teacher. Once I with pride said- Politician. The expressions were worth capturing! A heated argument ensued. With nobody to support me, I was discouraged at the first place. “Manali, the kind of girl you are- emotional, honest(ok, I agree, honesty has now faded… tab bachi thi, bache maan ke sache!), soft-hearted, you wont sustain in politics dear.” This discouraged further.

Sometime later, I was chatting with my IITian uncle. I told him about my wish to bring about a change and get into politics. His expression was ALSO worth capturing! He left the room laughing. This deterred me further.

Its been years to these incidents. Today plans have changed. But those words still haunt me! Were my friends correct? Were my uncle’s unspoken words right? A couple of days back a school friend of mine said to me- “Manali, in school, we used to wonder, tera kya hoga?!?! The way you have shaped your nature, you wouldn’t be able to fight the world. This isn’t the Gandhi-era madam!”

All this makes me wonder, is being good bad? And to be frank, my experiences till now say, being good is NEVER bad, but the thing is, it is just not encouraged, not supported.

If I help a “boy”, he thinks mai uspe line maar rahi hun. So I stop helping.

If I talk politely to my mam, friends think dekh dekh maska maar rahi hai.

If I stop an elderly man from throwing wrapper, he scolds me for being mannerless.

Even if a politician does something good for the people, we think he is doing for votes, as election is approaching. Does that mean a politician can never do something good if elections are near?!?!

If Karan Johar takes up the issue of the treatment with Muslims in his film and if a political party makes an issue of it, why do we consider that it is a publicity stunt? Everything that a celebrity does HAS to be for publicity?!?!

If Sunidhi Chauhan cries when an Indian Idol contestant is eliminated, she is acting to increase TRPs! As if she is an emotionless creature on earth!

The situation today is, such that goodwill isn’t appreciated. May be that’s the reason goodwill is withering. Our society, today, consist of so many bad elements, that probably we have strated losing the ability to spot the good! This is something, I truly feel, that this is something that needs to be given a thought… Because even if this situation isn’t affecting you, its for sure gonna affect the next gen… TRUST ME…! :)

(I wrote this article for an e-magazine titled- "21 fools")

BE FOOLISH.... BE HAPPY...!

I am also a guest writer of an online magazine named 21 FOOLS. 'bE FoOlisH... BE haPPy...' is actually their funda. I once asked the co-ordiantor of the magazine, why the named it has 21 fools and he gave an absolutely foolish answer. So I chose to find the answers myself. Does the funda of being a fool work? Does it make you happy? Is being foolish the answer to your problem? Well… I would say yes!

Here, being fool doesn’t mean you wander direction-lessly, you write exams brain-lessly, and you behave conduct-lessly. It just means don’t be too serious in life. Being serious, you hardly yield anything. We just make things go worse. Jitna sochoge, utna uljhoge. (The more you think, the more confused you are).

 
The funda of being a fool works. Choosing your instincts over brains sometimes is beneficial. Following your instincts is like walking on a path with only the torch to guide you. You stumble, you fumble, you fall, you rise. Its all fun and adventure, here you don’t know whether there is any end or no! While following your brains is like walking on a lane at the end of which there is the lamppost, your ultimate destination. So you just have to trace the lane to the point of illumination.

Initially, when I was new to 21 FOOLS, I wondered if the motto ‘bE fOOLiSH, bE hApPY ‘actually made any sense. It’s just lately that the realization came. The more foolish, immature, childish, innocent you are, more cheerful are you. Living life becomes easy! Trust me! My friend who is the most foolish of all, is the most happiest of all too! She wont think much about any fight she had with someone close, any decision she makes, bas jo maan mein aaya who kiya. She lives the smoothest life of all.

The bestest example are the kids around you. Learn to dance and to jump and to play and to be happy and to laugh on your own self and to smile for no reason. If you think they don’t have responsibilities, they live a tension free life, then you are wrong baby! Even they have many things to do. They have the tension of losing their mom-dad from sight, the tension of not finding the right way to their parent’s bedroom, learn their mother-tongue, learn to walk, climb the sofa, learn to get senses of when they want to use the loo. It’s just that we think their responsibilities as small, which in reality for aren’t!

Trust me guys, try and be a fool for one single day and you would know what it feels. I did. And at this point I remember Kareena’s dialogue in JAB WE MET: “Aaditya, tum bhi life mein serious the, kya mila tumhe? Bahut badi problem mein toh tum bhi phas gaye ho na?”. Exactly, life won’t be free of problems, irrespective of whether you are serious or you are a fool. But what do you think is better? :

The best advantage is: People don’t keep high expectations from fools and fools aren’t bestowed with big responsibilities too. ;) Saala, atleast society pressure se mukti milti hai! :)

(I wrote this article for the e-magazine. To have a look at the same in the magazine click here)